What Can We Do When Our Boundaries Are Crossed?Jan 04, 2023
A lot of the time im sharing in here – its often insights from conversations Ive had with one of the women I am working with in a private session, and I know that even though we are all completely unique…often, we have shared human experiences, so it often serves all of us to expand on the conversations Im having in private, maintaining confidentiality of course – but opening up a dialogue that I think a lot of women are longing for
That’s definitely what this conversation is going to be about.
It’s a mix of insights from a conversation and things that Im experiencing within my own life.
The first insight is that we never ever have to feel pulled into someones agenda if they have an alterior motive going on - when I say that, I don’t actually think that many people have bad intentions for us, I just think everyone lives through their own lense of the world and so has a very different world view, a different perspective, and different ways of being.
In our lives, if we are dealing with someone who is upset or triggered by something, often they can shift into alterior motives through their behaviour and some of those motives can be stepping into victim, blamey behaviours.
I actually experienced that at the end of last week with someone– I asserted a boundary and it wasn’t received in a clear way, and it obviously activated something for that person and that person went into a world of story that had very much a victim, blame kind of feel and sound to it and what I want to say about that is that you just don’t have to get pulled into those kinds of conversations with someone – emotionally.
I can fully admit that not being pulled into someones energetic field when they are being reactive and trying to make their story, your problem does take a bit of practise – we talk about creating and maintaining boundaries like it as simple as building a fence – I know it takes practice, but it is worth practising – it worth building your inner strength in not being pulled around and manipulated by a victim, blamey conversation.
The more we practise it – the more we develop our ability to be aware that its happening and step back when someone flips into that mode.
I know its happening because Ill feel this flare up of sensation through my body – I get defensive in response and I feel it like a rush of heat through my body, its kind of electric. I felt that when I opened my email and read the email from this particular person that has inspired this conversation Im having with you today.
Whats important, is that when we find ourselves in those situations, and we will, again and again – its important not to take action when we are in that electric jolt mode.
Right? I read the email – I felt the heat rise through my body and the curse words just forming on my tongue and then I paused. Because I don’t want to take action or speak out of that space or allow myself to lean into those feelings.
So I just paused. I stepped away from my laptop as a way to support myself and take some time to breathe, calm down, let those feelings that were rushing my body just calm down and looked at it from the bigger perspective.
I gave myself time to think about what was happening, what I had read without the emotion rushing through me – and could see what the upset was that was coming through that email.
I saw the tendancy from the tone of her reply wanting to hook in and start a back and forth kind of dialogue that would see us both just reacting to each other in this really unhelpful, unhealthy way and I took some time to really just check in with myself – hand on heart, hand on my belly, took deep breaths and really affirmed within myself that I was not available to be hooked into.
Heres the thing – we don’t actually have to be pulled into someone elses agenda – we actually get to be really clear within ourselves about what we accept for ourselves and what we wont. I mean, I have stronger language for myself around that – it What kind of energy I will fuck with, and what energy I simple wont fuck with at all.
If you are into hip hop you know the song that comes on in the playlist of my mind when I decide that Im not available for what someone is trying to hook me into.
I want you to hear this – in any way that you need to hear this today – its really safe, to have a boundary, to create a boundary line, and it is also safe, that is once you have created that boundary line, if someone gets annoyed, frustrated or upset about that boundary line – and whatever they try and do to try and get you to shift or remove that boundary - its safe to keep your boundary in place.
You don’t have to be manipulated or pushed around by someone elses upset.
This is a lesson I have had a reallllly hard time actually putting into practise. On an intellectual level I fully got it – but to be honest, I had to go through a lot of face palm moments for many years to really learn how to be a woman that has a very clear boundary line and maintains her boundary line in the face of someone being upset.
To actually feel into and believe that its not my problem, not my responsibility of trying to managage their emotion or trying to manage the way that they were seeing things or receiving things so that they would be less upset – so that I would feel more confident in being able to maintain my boundary.
Its ok to have a boundary.
Please hear me loud and clear when I tell you this – its also ok if someone else is upset with that boundary. Just because someone isn’t pleased with the boundary you have doesn’t mean you have to take the boundary away.
Its soooo important for us to not just hear this, but to really digest this and take it on as a belief.
If you put a boundary line in place – and boundaries are usually to protect something that is non negotiable for you, it means there is something that really matters to you that you are acknowledging for yourself – and everyone has different perspectives, everyone will have different opinions about what is ok and what is not ok.
But, in relation to yourself – YOU are the one that gets to dictate what your boundaries are. Noone gets an opinion on that. At all.
Its our responsibility to declare our boundaries to ourselves and to others.
If you don’t have clear boundaries for yourself – its likely that you are unclear about what your needs are. When we know our needs, when we are really clear about them, then our boundaries will jump rise to protect them.
What I want to say is that it is ok to have boundaries – and when someone gets upset..to keep it there.
Heres the thing – if you have your boundary, and you communicate your boundary, and someone gets upset with you and you shift, soften, change or remove that boundary to appease the person so they stop getting worked up or upset by it OR you do it because it feels uncomfortable for someone to be upset and in their upset – you question your own boundary. You begin to second guess yourself for having a boundary and you start to doubt it.
Often, when people are flared up by your boundary – they can get manipulative in their conversation and that was definitely the scenario that was unfolding for me in my inbox today.
Now, if you are not clear about who you are, whats important to you, what you are trying to do, you might put a boundary line down – but when someone tries to dance all over it, coming up with all the things they come up with – you might start to talk yourself out of what you had decided was important to you.
We see this all the time when women set goals for themselves.
When we allow our boundaries to become kind of meaningless – we are actually teaching people that we can be manipulated and that’s just not cool. We are saying im the kind of person that if you push me in the right ways, if you whine or shift blame, even if its undercurrent stuff, even if its passive aggressive – and that’s something we need to get realllly good about identifying so that we can pick up on it, because we don’t want to teach the world that we can be manipulated.
That when people pull a number on us that we change our behaviour.
We want to know ourselves and know who we are and what we are about so clearly that we set the standard for ourselves.
When we are really dialled into who we are, what our intentions are, what we are about, what we want to contribute and create and cause – then we get to be really clear about what we are about. We know whats ok and whats not ok. We know what we will accept and what we wont accept. We have our own rules for the game of life that we are playing and if someone gets upset about that – then that is cool. That gets to happen. Its ok that they are upset. My mentor said to me a couple of months ago – some people are just an upset waiting to happen. I loved that.
Its ok if someone is upset – because it doesn’t pull you around.
I hope you have heard something in this conversation for yourself.
You don’t have to be pulled into someones enegry, someone agenda, someones emotions.
It becomes your responsibility to set the standard for yourself and your life AND to maintain that standard. We get to decide what boundaries feel good to us.
Then its our responsibility to not only communicate those boundaries clearly but to also uphold those boundaries – and it is ok to do so.
Feel free to share any insight that opens up for you in digesting this conversation today – come into the facebook group and share what you have heard for yourself as a way of processing it for yourself, and also continuing the conversation for us all.
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