Learning to love the worst parts of yourselfJan 01, 2023
Last year I intentionally reconnected with the part of me I had unconsciously shamed for the last 21 years with the desire to begin to heal.
At 14 my behaviour could be considered reckless. I became sexually active, stopped going to school, lied constantly about my whereabouts & withdrew all interest from any hobbies I had. I was caught in my own clumsy web of lies and labelled a liar, unreliable, untrustworthy, a deviant.
What I have come to learn, to understand and to appreciate is that these behaviours were in response to a big, impactful event that fundamentally changed my perception of myself and the world at that age. The rug was swept out from underneath my feet as the people I had trusted as caretakers made very careless choices and I was left to try and organise the chaos within my mind, heart and body.
When something life changing happens and no one supports you in finding ways to cope in a timely manner – you find your own ways.
At 14, I had no point of reference for how to make myself feel better in ways that weren’t ultimately destructive.
I had spent my entire life believing that the choices I made at that age were shameful and I worked hard to redeem myself – proving myself in ways that would create a new identity
*cue over achieving, hyper independence, materialistic gain to demonstrate success*
I left the parts of me that had been deeply wounded behind, working tirelessly to outwork the bitterness I could taste anytime I wasn’t enjoying the sweet reward of my own productivity. If I wasn’t becoming “the best me” there was a fear that I would be revealed as the disappointing, broken, deviant I was.
I have STILL never told my closest friends or my husband about what occurred at that time. It’s a deep wound that Im not willing to expose yet.
When you spend 21 years surpressing something – its not easy to excavate that shit.
As I became a certified Somatic Activated Healer under the wisdom, guidance and instruction of @sahdsimone I have learned to go beyond “identifying” how I feel and why and actual begin to transform my relationship with what has occurred and the way it has impacted me.
I believe in our freedom 🙏💚
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